What Networking Taught Me (The Hard Way)

Disclaimer: This isn't professional advice. I'm not a networking expert. This is simply a record of my own experience and the mistakes I made while trying to connect with people in tech.

A few months ago, I thought networking was simple.

Find people.

Send a message.

Wait for a response.

Repeat.

So that's exactly what I did.

I copied the same cold DM and sent it to dozens of people. Founders, engineers, recruiters, startup employees—it didn't matter. I was treating networking like a numbers game.

When people didn't reply, I got frustrated.

I kept asking myself:

"Why is nobody responding?"

Mistakes I Made

The funny thing is that a few people actually did reply.

But I had another problem.

I lacked confidence.

Even when someone responded, I didn't know how to continue the conversation. I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I would ask ChatGPT to write every reply for me.

I wasn't building relationships.

I was just exchanging messages.

After doing this for a while, I realized something important:

Spraying the same message everywhere is mostly a waste of time.

People can instantly tell when they're receiving a copy-pasted message.

And honestly, if someone sent me the exact same message they sent to 100 other people, I probably wouldn't respond either.

So I changed my approach.

Instead of trying to contact as many people as possible, I started trying to have genuine conversations.

The difference was huge.

People started responding more.

Conversations felt natural.

And most importantly, I actually enjoyed networking.

What I'm Doing Differently Now

1. Send Tailored Messages

Before reaching out, I spend a few minutes understanding who the person is.

What are they building?

What are they interested in?

What have they recently posted?

Instead of:

Hi, I am a software engineer looking to connect. Hope we can stay in touch.

I try something like:

Hi Sebastian, I came across your work and saw you're building in the AI space. I enjoyed reading about your journey. I'm an early-career engineer currently learning backend systems and AI, and I'd love to connect and learn from people building interesting products.

It feels more human because it is.

2. Introduce Yourself After Connecting

A connection request is just the beginning.

Once someone accepts, I introduce myself properly.

Who am I?

What am I working on?

Why did I want to connect?

You don't need a long paragraph.

Just enough context so the other person knows who they're talking to.

3. Talk About Their Work

One mistake I made was making every conversation about me.

People generally enjoy talking about things they've built.

Ask questions.

Show curiosity.

For example:

I saw you're working on developer tools. What has been the biggest challenge while building the product?

or

I noticed your startup recently launched a new feature. How did users respond to it?

Good conversations start with genuine curiosity.

4. Stop Copy-Pasting Everything

This was probably my biggest mistake.

Yes, templates save time.

But blindly sending the exact same message to everyone makes you look like a bot.

People can tell.

Networking is human-to-human communication.

A little personalization goes a long way.

5. Show Proof

If you say you're learning backend engineering, show what you're building.

If you say you're interested in AI, show a project.

If you say you're passionate about startups, talk about something you've worked on.

People trust evidence more than claims.

Instead of saying:

I'm interested in backend engineering.

Say:

I've been building projects with Node.js, PostgreSQL, Redis, and BullMQ. Recently I worked on a system that uses asynchronous workers to handle background jobs.

Proof creates credibility.

My Biggest Realization

Networking isn't about collecting connections.

It's about building relationships.

You don't need thousands of people in your network.

A few meaningful conversations can be more valuable than hundreds of ignored messages.

And honestly, I'm still learning.

I'm far from perfect.

I'm just documenting what has worked for me so far.

Maybe a few months from now, I'll look back at this post and realize there are even better ways to network.

But for now, these are the lessons I've learned through trial and error.

If you're currently sending hundreds of cold DMs and wondering why nobody replies, I understand because I was doing the exact same thing.

Try slowing down.

Be curious.

Be genuine.

And remember that you're talking to humans, not leads.

That's what I'm learning right now.